I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
