Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
