took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
they call him Oral-B. enough said
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
