You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
