pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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