it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
