I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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