Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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