24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
