whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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