i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
