My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
this beer tastes like vomit already
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
