I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
two words...techno handjob
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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