My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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