dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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