I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
how does that bad decision feel?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
