I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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