Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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