i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize