come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I licked your asshole in confidence.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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