I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize