I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
cat food counts as protein by the way
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
