nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
