he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
