Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
