I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
