I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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