I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
