Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
