I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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