U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
