Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
