Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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