You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
