Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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