I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
