im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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