I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
