Me. At least after what I've been through.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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