Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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