My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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