I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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