If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
pray to the hookup gods
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
