You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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