9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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