I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize