Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
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