How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
