Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
the raccoons are back...
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