So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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