Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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