did you get engaged???
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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