I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
