What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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